Wrong Side of the Bed

Many years ago, the wrong side of the bed was clearly marked by the presence of a “pot de chambre,” that is a chamber pot. Upon awakening during the night, a careless move to the floor on the “wrong side” of the bed resulted in disaster. With the passage of time and the introduction of in-house plumbing, the chamber pot has been transformed into a planter, or a flea market novelty.

The pot may be gone, but the expression “wrong side of the bed” has endured as an explanation for annoying personal behaviors. Getting up on the “wrong side of the bed” is now considered to be the cause of grouchiness, moodiness, depression, and lethargy and a host of other regrettable feelings and behaviors, not the least of which is “feeling lousy”.

Perhaps there is a “right side” of the bed, which if located and used will ensure vigor, good will, affection and sex. The physical structure of most beds offers few cues as to the right or wrong side, let alone the good or the bad side. Beds with a headboard, and/or a wall behind the bed offer just three possible “right” sides. One might eliminate the foot of the bed as an escape route, and thereby enhance your chances of choosing the “right side” by 33 percent.

The prospect of having just two choices to select the “right” side might be too risky. One might move the bed to the center of the room and then have four sides to choose from, or at least three sides with a rotating ‘foot’. For the avid gambler, a circular bed would offer a limitless search for the “right side”.

It’s possible that the number of bed sides and their locations will not solve the demand for a splendid morning personality. We must hit the floor on the “right side” and the design of the bed offers no help.

The presence of a bed mate insures a forced choice of the “right side.” In a bed with a head board, foot and partner, the “right side” is most likely your own side. Whether such a choice ensures a personality change is a much more complex issue, and never under your direct control. Furthermore, the sleeper is never concerned about the side of the bed to get up on. Sleepers just get up after a night’s sleep. They could, if asked, describe their mood. It is the observer, that is, spouse, friend, or ‘other body’ who feels compelled to identify a cause for the sleeper’s mood state.

“Boy, I see that you got up on the wrong side of the bed today.”

With that pronouncement, the sleeper quickly surveys the bedside looking for the infamous “pot de chambre”. Not finding any, the newly awakened must assume total responsibility for the mood in the bedroom or immediately leap into the other side of the bed with the hope that there lies the “right side”, and acceptance.

SMALL TALK – I LOVE IT

Small talk is seen as trivial, meaningless, and superficial. “I can’t stand small talk!” “Oh, all that small talk is driving me crazy!” Why do we engage in small talk? Because we are small people? No. Big people engage in small talk. Perhaps it is because we have small minds. I don’t believe so, since many small minds are known to talk BIG. The main reason for small talk must be the mouth size. Small talk is probably caused by a small mouth. BIG mouths are known to talk BIG. In fact, BIG talk is the hallmark of a BIG mouth, or is that a loud mouth? Have you ever heard loud mouths talk small talk? It might not be possible. Since small talk is bad, then BIG talk must be good. Remember the joyful hours we spend listening to BIG talk. BIG talk, out of BIG mouths, with small minds. Small talk is not at all trivial. Small talks allows us the time to become acquainted; small talk allows us to gracefully engage a stranger, or to painlessly tolerate the friend. Copyright, Thomas Golden, Writers Cramp, 1980

Up Against It

 

Just this evening, MSNBC commentator, Kacie DC, was interviewing Andrew Young, a past representative to the United Nations, and renowned civil rights leader. She asked him about the recent children’s march in Washington. He responded, but not completely since she had another question. After apologizing for her interruption, Kacie asked him about Martin Luther King, and John Lewis, and he was responding, but less than completely since Kacie was up against the clock. She apologized for the rush job, and he accepted the apology. Kacie was up against it. Up against what? Up against PNC Bank, AWAY luggage, Cisco, and two pharmacy commercials. Kacie was up against a loss in revenue – her loss of a job. Kacie was reflective of how our life is UP AGAINST IT. Up against money. Up against the power of capital. Up against the need to pay for everything we do, despite our desire to comfortably hear Andrew Young. MSNBC invited him to speak. He was asked to talk about rather important social issues. Mr. Young was politely given the old heave ho. Given the ‘hook’, to allow for the real stars of the show – banking, drugs, a touch of technology and a piece of travel equipment.

Tom Golden, March 2018.

HELLO

The Vice President was focused upon the hockey game. The North Korean representative was seated just behind the Vice President. The scene was as cold as the ice.

I had no idea that my sister could skate. Not only was she skating, but on ice, and dancing to music. Michelle was taking dance lessons for several years. She hated going to class, but hating to go was no excuse for my Mother. Both Michelle and I would express our “hate”, “do I have to,” and “I have a headache” in a forlorn attempt to cancel the next piano, dance, or karate lesson. “You wanted to have the lessons, and we paid for them. At least finish the year”, she said. I was just three weeks into the karate school.

Michelle did a leap on the ice, and she landed into a full split. The audience went wild. Everyone cheered. Everyone except for my Father. My Father starred at the ice rink, with Michelle in a full split, and he showed no emotion. He just sat and starred straight ahead. His head held fast, as if in a neck brace. I turned to look at my Mother, and she seemed to only see her history, and not Michelle.

I forgot to mention, that when we arrived at the skating rink, our seats were reserved for parents of the contestants. In our row G7, sat my Father, my Stepmother, and me. Also in row G7 sat my Mother, and her husband, Bert. My Father sat in Seat 16, and my Mother sat in Seat 15 – just to the left of my Father. I sat in Seat 17, just to the right of my Father.

The exhibition ended and we all left. As with hello, no goodbye.

Tom Golden, February, 2018

 

Words Are Not So Easy

Grandson: Papa, I like democracy. Do you like democracy?
Grandpa: Of course I do.
Grandson: Is that like Democratic.
Grandpa: Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that Democratic was bad. He said Republican was good.
Grandpa: Well, son, democracy is really good. Democratic is not exactly the same.
Grandson:  But they sound almost the same. Grandpa, is it good to be right?
Grandpa:  Yes. I guess so. Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that the left is really very good, and the right is not.
Grandpa: Well words are not so easy.
Grandson: I know that I’m going to be democratic, and also I want to be right.
Grandpa: Sounds good son – just fine.
Grandson: I love you Grandpa.
Grandpa: I love you too

 

The Gettysburg Address, Circa 2017

Ladies and Gentleman it is my honor to introduce the President of the United States, President Lincoln…

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Announcer:Just a brief break:

“Folks, it can happen to all of us as we age. Elderly dementia patients taking Albuminide have an increased risk of death or stroke. Please call your doctor if you believe that you are having a stroke that is not good. Sometimes your sugar levels will unintentionally rise with Albuminide, and coma can result. Enjoy success, and health with Albuminide.”

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle field of that war.

 Announcer:  We will be right back.

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We come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate we cannot consecrate we cannot hallow, this ground The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

Announcer: return in a minute.

“ Pets are not just another animal. Remember healthy pets are long lasting friends. “ Delicate Grub” is all natural, like spring water, and pure air.” Delicate Grub” answers the most complete nutritional needs of any pet, even your python. Remember “Delicate Grub” is real food, and not only for your pet.”

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here; while it can never forget what they did here. It is rather for us, the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us that, from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here, gave the last full measure of devotion.

Announcer: Mr. President, we will return in a moment.

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That we here highly resolve these dead shall not have died in vain; that the nation, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people. by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

“You’ll Know – You’ll See”

President Trump is inclined to hint at his future actions. Trump will tell us that he has very important plans, and joyfully offers little clarity, other than the phrase: “the calm before the storm.” When asked what he means by that phrase, he will say, “you will know.” That lack of clarity, yet foreboding causes some minimal concern in Kingston New York, Bangor, Maine and Des Moines, Iowa. But the concern is much more provocative in….

North Korea: “Considering that the President of the United States has announced that a storm is coming, we have put our armed forces on 24-hour alert.”

Paris, France: “The Prime Minister, has ordered that all French ships near Iranian waters are to immediately return to the nearest French Ports.”

Ottawa, Canada: The Defense Minister declared: “We have learned that the President of the United States has declared that he will be making a decision that sounds rather ominous. In that light, we will be closing the Peace Bridge at 1400 hours on Sunday to all traffic entering from the United States.”

Teheran, Iran: “We have every reason to believe that the President of the United States intends to cancel the Iranian Treaty. As such we will immediately initiate the rehabilitation of all equipment that is needed for our nuclear production.”

Caracas, Venezuela: “Citizens of Venezuela, we have long feared that the United States is prepared to invade our territorial waters. President Trump has stated that a “storm” is coming. In the light of his threatening comments about our nation, we are ordering our Navy to intercept any naval vessel of the United States that enters our waters.”

Secretary General of the United Nations: “I have informed the members of the Security Council that we will meet tomorrows morning to discuss the implications of President’s Trumps announcement that portends some harmful international event is likely to occur. We have absolutely no idea as to the meaning of “calm before the storm”, but I have no other choice but to require an immediate gathering.”

Words Are Not So Easy

Grandson: Papa, I like democracy. Do you like democracy?
Grandpa: Of course I do.
Grandson: Is that like Democratic.
Grandpa: Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that Democratic was bad. He said that Republican was good.
Grandpa: Well, son, democracy is really good. Democratic is not exactly the same.
Grandson:  But they sound almost the same. Grandpa, is it good to be right?
Grandpa:  Yes. I guess so. Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that the left is really very good, and the right is not.
Grandpa: Well words are not so easy.
Grandson: I know that I’m going to be democratic, and I want to be right.
Grandpa: Sounds good son – just fine.
Grandson: I love you Grandpa.
Grandpa: I love you too.

The LIE Word

Senator Corker from Tennessee stated that in his home, his family never used the LIE word. Currently, the Senator is in a newsworthy conflict with President Trump. Senator Corker has said that the President, “tells untruths.” “Untruths” may be difficult to say without an outburst of laughter, but it eliminates screaming, “liar, liar, liar!” The President said a “untruth.” Not only an “untruth”, but a “provable untruth”. Senator Corker may be unleashing a needed reform in our culture. The rebirth of manners and specifically mannered control over our communication.

What words were, forbidden, or at least avoided in your home. Let’s start with the “H” word, or at perhaps the “S” word. In some homes the list might include the “F” word,

Now as to our careful avoidance of forbidden words. I was told not to say the “H” word as in HATE, like, “I hate you.” I would instead say, “I hope you die” (but under my breath), followed by a quick “Oh, God, please don’t let my Mother die” (also under my breath). I believe that children express much of their feelings under their breath.

The “S” word as in STUPID -What is so wrong in calling your sister stupid? Many times, my sister, and my brother were stupid. Why punish me, when they were so stupid? I avoided stupid, by simple saying: “Wrong!” or “You’re such a jerk.”

And now for the biggy: “FUCK” as in “Fuck you!” Never, no never say that in one’s home. If by chance it slipped, then comes the soap mouth washing. The notion that cleansing a mouth with soap could suppress such intense feelings was at best a temporary suppression. You might say “Fuck You”, but to the air. That is with no eye contact to anyone. You might hear, “What did you say?” You then say “Nothing – nothing.” That usually works.

When and if children use forbidden words, the origins are usually attributed to the child’s playmates, or classmates. “Frank, I don’t want you to talk like your friend Michael. I have told you many times that Michael’s parents are hardly ever home, and he has sitters teach a lot of things that are not right. I hope that you understand. Do you?” Frank nods approval, and immediately returns to Mario on his computer.

 

Tom Golden, writer’s cramp, 2017

 

Uncharted Waters

Today, February 9, 2017, Senator Mark Warner of the great state of Virginia stated that, “we are in uncharted waters.” Other political leaders and commentators have said phrases of a similar sort, e.g. “This is a new day,” and “Little seems the same.” and most painful, “It is difficult to know what to do – so many things are changing daily,”

Fellow Americans, the only person in the entire country that is “uncharted” is the President of the United States. The only citizen who can change opinion, desires, attitudes on a “daily”, or “hourly” basis is Donald Trump – Our pathologically disturbed President.

Perhaps, Senator Warner, and his colleagues feel that they are in “uncharted waters.” I feel sorry for them. It must be difficult for them to remember right from wrong, or truth versus lies. Have Senator Warner and ‘friends’ (those in Congress always refer to one another as ‘friend’) lost their moral compass and as such cannot distinguish between ill-will and respect. Have they totally suppressed or deny the teachings of their parents, teachers, church leaders? That Donald Trump resembles a buoy bobbing in the sea is not my fate. That Donald Trump is troubled by demons that deny him guidance and safety, is not my state of mind, nor body. I fear not uncharted waters, not because of some exquisite seamanship, but because of my humanity.

The Weather Superman and Woman

The recent storms of Harvey and Irma have produced broadcasters the likes of which we have not known since World War II. No, now our front-line reporters are the brave men and women of the weather reporting media, state and federal weather bureaus.

One hundred and fifty-five miles per hour winds. Drenching rains, carrying millions of grains of beach sand. Sand that sting the faces of the weather persons. “I feel as though I was getting a skin abrasion treatment. Oh, that hurts.” Another reported standing on a pier, just alongside the Miami River, slipped on a cement block, and fortunately did not hit the water. Other reporters braving unpredictable ‘catastrophic’ wind gusts, and yet standing just three feet from the safety of a concrete parking garage, and the warmth of a massive GM SUV.

They report on the rain, and Palm trees swaying. The program directors request more shots of the rain, and flooded streets. The producers and television directors ignore the fact that we can see the rain, and the Palm trees bending. We can hear the howling wind. We see the waves, white caps and the boats floundering in their moorings, or out to sea. The camera tells us all we need to know, without the added thrill, and death defying heroism of the weather reporters. How much danger do the reporters need to suffer to keep the television ratings on the rise? What kind of harm do we have to see, before the ‘entertainment’ portion of the weather report is satisfied?

Tom Golden, Writer’s Cramp, 2017

A Name…

A NAME is important. A NAME is more than a label. A NAME tells us something about the person. Take buildings for an example. There are no buildings with a NAME such as: I, or ME, or US. Nor are there clothing labels that declare: IT, or MINE, or WE.  There are many structures that do carry a label, a real NAME.

For some persons, their NAME is important. To have a NAME recognized is food for their ego. Others have never expressed a desire to have public recognition of their NAME. In fact, Ulysses Grant never asked for a memorial to his NAME, nor did George Washington desire to have a city, or monument bear his NAME. Martin Luther King, never asked for an avenue named after him, nor did Francis Albert Sinatra ask for a “Way” in Hoboken, New Jersey.

And now for persons who have a fervent, spinal need for their NAME to be recognized by every inhabitant of the world. A person who needs his NAME on apartment and office building(s), Casinos, and golf courses. Such a person is our President Donald Trump. To have his NAME plastered for all to see, both in the United States and in foreign lands is a basic need, as is the need for food and water.

President Trump clearly enjoys the sight of his NAME in public places. BUT, there is one labelling of which he is most desirous. Donald Trump needs – a need beyond measure, to have his NAME on a health bill.

A modest proposal. The Congress, both parties, must make the needed corrections in Obama Care, and then NAME the bill as: TRUMP CARE. TRUMP CARE logos must be placed in every medical facility, pharmacy. Every auto sold, should carry a bumper sticker announcing TRUMP CARE. Only then will the Donald achieve some sense of comfort. Only then will Donald be able to sleep thru the night, and not resort to tweets.

The End

Thomas Golden, Writer’s Cramp, September ,2017.

Did I Say That?

 

And now, the President of the United States – Donald Trump

“Thank you for the invitation, and the great welcome by such a great audience. I mean great – really great. First, I must give my thanks to the representatives who have come from far and wide. Very far. Not around the corner. Sometimes I wonder how come people come at all. I mean why do they come. I mean it, why? Then I say to myself that they really care. Not only do they care, but they really care – really. I say it, they care.

We are gathered today to celebrate the most important day of the month of October. You may not believe it, but all my life – I mean a long, long time, I loved Halloween. The fake news, all those fake news people sitting in the back. You see them – the fake people of the fake news. Say hello to the camera, you fake people. Forget them, I mean they love to hear me say fake news. Then they can say I called them fake news persons, love it, they love it. So, Halloween is a simple holiday. No religion, no racial things, just fun, fun. Real fun. You betta believe the fake news, yeh the ones in the back. Say cameraman, show the fake news persons. Okay forget it. They know they are fakers. The fake networks will say that President Trump made a big deal about Halloween. Yeh, that’s what they will say. I did make a big deal – it is a big deal for millions of my friends in Alabama, Ohio and mostly Pennsylvania. Would you believe I won Ohio, and Pennsylvania? Would you believe it. Believe it. Oh, poor Hillary, poor Hillary. What a bad candidate- really bad, so bad.

I have got to go to Mara Lago tonight. Big night there and thousands of kids -thousands are coming for their candy. Lotsa candy and things. Would you believe it thousands and with their mom and dad? Not just kids, but mom and dad, and maybe others. Thank you very much. A lot.”

Tom Golden, Writers Cramp, 2017

What Did He Say??

 

Fellow Americans, I welcome the opportunity to speak with you tonight. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify our current policies, positions, and potential possibilities. You are all well aware that we are once again engaged overseas in a major struggle. We know that the reason we are there is to establish, that is to re-establish, a democratic state. In no way do we want to destabilize the existing democratic institutions. We are fully committed to the basic principles of independence and national sovereignty. Nonetheless, we will not tolerate the continued dismantling of a system of government, that has clearly been supported by major segments of the population.

As stated previously, and by various members of the government, our primary role has been and continues to be that of a mediator, and not one of a decision maker. This has been a difficult role to fulfill considering our lack of primacy in this crisis situation. As always, we must be ever vigilant so as to avoid the perception of favoritism, or antagonism toward each of the participants, whomever they may be. This role is not without inherent dangers. Once a commitment is made, we are then obligated to a total and indeterminate stake in whatever outcomes prevail.

I know that you can appreciate the profound implications of a rather complex situation. But never doubt the will of a nation, and the will of people to determine their own destiny. A destiny that would never have been fulfilled were it not for the dedication, and other things that happen to each of us – I mean all of us. When a public becomes too knowledgeable in the ways of resistance, we have to stop, look, and listen. We have to be able to grab the means of power, and grab the bull by its horns and other animals also.

Don’t forget that. The most base, animal instincts within us, can show their colors on any day, or moment in time. Just give me one moment in time, and I will show you how we got there. Getting there is half the battle. The other half, surprisingly, is not equal to the first half. Obviously, such a simple explanation is too difficult to understand, especially when we feel a sense of confusion regarding what we are saying and doing. To fight for the right, without stumble or pause, and to march into hell for a heavenly cause is not easy for the uncommitted among us.

We must seek a way, any way to get out of here. We must begin at the beginning and not be midway toward the final goal and conclusion. You must believe me when I say, with all my heart and soul, that we will never gain a foothold in a democratic system of justice without a sheriff. That was how we tamed the west, and never let it be said that we weren’t defeated more than once and still came back.

Perhaps you are still doubting the basic premise, whatever that is. Well, do not despair, we have not reached the eleventh hour yet. It is only 10:30. Well, you know what I mean. I mean that we have not yet begun to fight. We will take flight when we are good and ready, and not before – remember that! When we are ready, you will feel it as I do now, and I am not ready to commit fully to anything.

I feel so lonely as I speak to you. It is so difficult to give this speech. I was up quite late last night writing this speech. My wife, told me to get some sleep. I said that I would, but instead I had another cup of expresso.  Boy, was I exhausted. I finally went to bed at 4:30 in the morning. I guess I should have edited my speech. Proof reading really does help. I have never been so confused in my life, but I hope you feel the same about me. Being your president, your commander in chief, isn’t easy. Bass fishing isn’t easy either but at least you can eat what you catch. (Giggle)

Ya know, when I was a young boy, I was asked to give a speech to my scout troop. The topic was what I was going to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a plumber, I couldn’t tell the troop that, so I said I wanted to be a President. I didn’t mean commander in chief. I meant I wanted to own my own plumbing supply company. I would be president of Bush’s Bushings and Washers Inc. But it all went south. I stand before you, and I am in a lot of trouble. We are in a mess. I must leave you right now. I am very tired – really bushed (giggle). Tomorrow, I think I am going to declare war. It is the best that I can do. If I don’t declare war tomorrow, I might never have another chance during my administration. Every President I know has either declared a war, fought a war, or ended a war, or wished he had done so. For those of you who are still awake, I say goodnight. For those of you who have fallen asleep or changed the dial on your television, I wish you a happy holiday season. I’ve got to go. Happy New War! Just messin! Happy New Year, I am so tired…

Yenta

A Yenta is someone who talks too much, spreads rumors, and can’t keep a secret**.  Forget about the Yiddish implications and history of the word and focus on the men and women of today. FBI Director James Comey is clearly a Yenta in the ‘spreading of rumors’ type. The Donald, though not Jewish does talk too much, and finally Julian Assange. Julian, a classic, born again Yenta. Julian clearly cannot keep a secret. Not one secret, I mean 343,200 secrets. Tens of thousands of secrets ‘leak’ out. Not ‘leak’ as in faucet leaks, nor ‘leak’ as in senior citizen urinary dysfunction. ‘Leak’ as in Wikileaks. More than a million pieces of information ready to be ‘leaked’. Who, if anyone fixes the ‘leaks’? The plumber, the Urologist ? The Yenta.  Yes,the Yenta fixes the ‘leaks’. The Yenta just does what Yenta’s do best. They talk again, spread other rumors, and reveal other secrets, all to make things better, and repair the damage of the  previous ‘leaks.’

**Definition from the East New York Compendium of Yiddish Terms, First Edition (and only ).