The Martians

The meeting was called for “time”. Unlike on Earth, time and date are not concepts that control Martian behavior. The Elders and the Youngers were gathered at the “place”. Similarly, to time and date, location is a notion that needs no specificity. All Elders and Youngers are aware of all that matters.
Elder 1: We are faced with a situation that no longer allows for delay. There is no room for unnecessary deliberation or frankly any discussion.
Younger 1: I understand completely.
Elder 1: You do?
Younger 2: Yes. The situation has been a long time in coming.
Elder 2: We are all in total agreement.
Elder 1: The specifics are not yet formulated.
Younger 3: What specifics?
Elder 1: We must determine the nature of our commitment.
Younger 3: Do we have any choice?
Elder 4: Yes, consideration of the potential harm, we must be absolutely clear as to what we are to do.
Elder 1: I for one request a unanimous agreement among all of you.
Younger 4: You certainly have my vote.
Elder 2: Me too.
Younger 3: I am also in total agreement, but I have one question.
Elder 1: Speak.
Younger 3: If we go ahead with the complete plan, do we have a fallback position.
Elder: 3: What are you talking about. What fallback position?
Younger 3: If we are not successful in the mission. What do we do?
Elder 1: There will only be success if we act now. Right now!
All the Elders and Youngers shout agreement.
Elder 1: Now we will have Elder 2 read out plan.
Elder 2: Yes sir! Proclamation of the Elders and Youngers: On this day and at this time and location, We The Elders and The Youngers have authorized the total invasion of the Planet Earth. The invasion will involve the complete array of our interplanetary forces. We are obliged to take this extraordinary action as we can no longer delay the total conquest of the Planet Earth. Our latest intelligence has confirmed that activity on the Planet Earth has reached such intolerable conditions, and the threat of such activity to our well-being is undeniable.

The Earthlings interplanetary capacity is advanced as evidenced by their popular, though somewhat unrealistic film, The Martian. For many years we have witnessed the total dissolution of peace and tranquility on Planet Earth. There is no area on that planet that is not in constant warfare, pestilence, poverty, and total disregard for life. They have destroyed their land, sea, and air. We are not absolutely certain of their plans for planetary exploration, but we will not allow our planet to be infested by their ethics, morals, scientific ignorance, economic systems, and most of all their dangerous religious proclivities. We have evolved to a level of sophistication that we will not allow to be jeopardized by a species that has not evolved in thousands of years. In fact, their planet has regressed to a point of no return. For many eons we have tried to communicate to the Planet Earth, but they have steadfastly refused to believe in life beyond their simplistic universe. All attempts at contact with Planet Earth are terminated. This proclamation is made in good fellowship and good will. We will prevail!

Wrong Side of the Bed

Many years ago, the wrong side of the bed was clearly marked by the presence of a “pot de chambre,” that is a chamber pot. Upon awakening during the night, a careless move to the floor on the “wrong side” of the bed resulted in disaster. With the passage of time and the introduction of in-house plumbing, the chamber pot has been transformed into a planter, or a flea market novelty.

The pot may be gone, but the expression “wrong side of the bed” has endured as an explanation for annoying personal behaviors. Getting up on the “wrong side of the bed” is now considered to be the cause of grouchiness, moodiness, depression, and lethargy and a host of other regrettable feelings and behaviors, not the least of which is “feeling lousy”.

Perhaps there is a “right side” of the bed, which if located and used will ensure vigor, good will, affection and sex. The physical structure of most beds offers few cues as to the right or wrong side, let alone the good or the bad side. Beds with a headboard, and/or a wall behind the bed offer just three possible “right” sides. One might eliminate the foot of the bed as an escape route, and thereby enhance your chances of choosing the “right side” by 33 percent.

The prospect of having just two choices to select the “right” side might be too risky. One might move the bed to the center of the room and then have four sides to choose from, or at least three sides with a rotating ‘foot’. For the avid gambler, a circular bed would offer a limitless search for the “right side”.

It’s possible that the number of bed sides and their locations will not solve the demand for a splendid morning personality. We must hit the floor on the “right side” and the design of the bed offers no help.

The presence of a bed mate insures a forced choice of the “right side.” In a bed with a head board, foot and partner, the “right side” is most likely your own side. Whether such a choice ensures a personality change is a much more complex issue, and never under your direct control. Furthermore, the sleeper is never concerned about the side of the bed to get up on. Sleepers just get up after a night’s sleep. They could, if asked, describe their mood. It is the observer, that is, spouse, friend, or ‘other body’ who feels compelled to identify a cause for the sleeper’s mood state.

“Boy, I see that you got up on the wrong side of the bed today.”

With that pronouncement, the sleeper quickly surveys the bedside looking for the infamous “pot de chambre”. Not finding any, the newly awakened must assume total responsibility for the mood in the bedroom or immediately leap into the other side of the bed with the hope that there lies the “right side”, and acceptance.

Walking and Talking

I was turning onto my street to park my car, when I noticed a young woman crossing at the opposite corner. She was talking on her cell phone. After parking my car, I sat for several moments thinking about the woman and her talking on the cell phone. before cell phones, what did I do when I was walking? Besides looking where I was going, did I talk? Did I talk to myself? At times did I talk out loud? As a child if I ever saw a person that seemed to be talking to himself, I knew the person was crazy. Stay away from him! During the early days of the cell phone, it was not easy to tell if a person was talking out loud, into a hidden microphone, or nuts. Whether a hidden microphone or a visible cell phone, the isolate walker was talking.
 
I could not hear the walking talker since I was in my car. Often, I can hear the person talking on their cell phone. Cell phone talking is ubiquitous. There is someone talking on the cell phone in the grocery, coffee shop, elevator, dentist waiting room, airport lounge, and in the backrow at a burial ground, The talker has no interest in privacy. The cell phone talker could care less if you hear every spoken word. It may be, that the talker delights in having an audience. “Hey, look me over, lend me an ear…”.
 
But, back to pre-cell phone days. I know that I am always talking to myself whether I am walking, or stationary. I am talking to myself without any response. I am speaking to an audience of one – me. Boring, no. I am never bored when I am talking to myself. I have innumerable images, feelings, sensations and ideas. I could, if I had company express much of what I was saying to myself, but I don’t have the need. There are times when I would like to speak to another person, or that I must speak to someone else. But not always. For most of my waking hours, I am quite comfortable talking to myself, as in the following private conversations:
 
“I am hungry, and it’s almost noon. I think I’ll go to the bagel shop. No, I better get my hair cut, before the salon closes. What day is it? Is the salon open today? The place is always packed on Tuesday. Oh, the bagel shop is closed. The sign says on holiday until June 6. Damn it! Pizza, I’ll get a slice.”
 
OR……. “Harry is never going to pay what he owes me. I don’t give a shit. He’s tight for funds, as usual and I like him. I like his wife even more. She is stunning, and, well- I think I must go to see Mitchell. I have a pain in my right knee.”
 
OR…….” That fuckin president. I can’t stand him and the rest of the politicians- what the hell are they doing. Wow, that cab almost hit that dog.”
 
Most of the time, when I talk to myself, it is rather mundane. Most of my thoughts would not be of interest to anyone. The thoughts are not crude, or insightful, but rather commonplace, and allow me to get through the day, and night. Should I have thoughts that are particularly meaningful, I would tell a trusted family member or friend.
 
So, what more can I say about the walking and talking that is the marvel of the cell phone. I assume that if the cell phone talker was with their listener, the conversation would be like that on the cell phone. That may not be the case. With the technology of today, as in texting, email and cell phone one does not have the feedback of face to face communication. No angry stare, sneer, smile, twinkle, blush, nod, look aside, or even turn away.
 
Why the need to speak to someone from the moment of waking to sleep? Why are people so needy of constant verbal contact with another person? Was this always that case? Did we realize how deprived we were of immediate human contact? Has the invention of the portable cell phone allowed us to fulfill a constant need to affiliate? The need to be certain that we count – that we matter. The cell phone has eliminated the dreaded state of alone. Alone with our thoughts, feelings, and desires. Alone with me, with I, with life.
 
Tom Golden, May, 2018

Economics 101: Supply and Demand

The Veterans Administration is the second largest government employer. The first is the Department of Defense. The VA employees 377,805 persons. The Department of Defense employs about 1.3 million persons on active duty, and 800.000 on military reserve. As of 2014, there were approximately 21.8 million veterans. Veterans of what? War!  Or perhaps a Police Action, or some activity where people get injured. Regardless of the name, we have a very large VA to service a very active Department of Defense. The Department of Defense offers a constant supply of veterans to service the employment needs of the Veterans Administration. Now that is a classic example of a supply and demand economy.

Thomas Golden, March, 2018

 

 

The Importance of Furniture

The President of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has a nuclear launch button on his desk. The President of the United States, Donald Trump says that everything is on the table.  Does that include a nuclear launch button? Whether it is a desk or a table, clearly a piece of furniture is central to issues of world survival.

If Kim Jong Un’s desk resembles mine in any fashion, Mr. Kim may not find the button so readily. As for the Donald, he claims to have “everything on the table.”  We have been told that a military attaché carries the nuclear controls in a case, close at hand to the President. Let’s assume that the case is placed on the table along with “everything” else. “Everything” else is a series of possible diplomatic agreements – nothing physical, as is a button.

Kim Jong Un has his button on a desk, and Donald has his control case on the table.  Aside from the clutter on Kim’s desk, in a showdown, the launch button may be reached, prior to Donald’s opening the launch control case and pressing the button. North Korea one, United States zero!!

“Kim, Kim he’s our man, if Kim can’t do it nobody can!”

Thomas Golden, Writer’s Cramp, 2018

Mental Health Kills

Just assume that if you are mentally healthy you will not kill anyone, or perhaps anything. If you are mentally ill, there is a possibility that you will kill someone or something. For the moment forget about self-defense killing. The nation is faced with regulating guns and/or fixing our mental health. As a society do we have a mental health problem? If a citizen never killed another citizen would we still have a problem with mental health. What is mental health? One thing for certain, is that when someone kills another person, the killer is likely to be mentally unhealthy. I think we can all agree on that proposition.

Now for the cure, or at least identifying the mentally unhealthy person likely to kill another person. For example, the following are three citizens of concern:  Peter screams out, “Drop dead!” Murray hollers, “I could kill you!” Martha shouts, “I wish you were dead. I mean it!”. Peter owns a Ruger 22 rifle. Murray buys a Glock pistol. Martha purchases some rat poison. History has it that Peter was in child therapy when he was 8 years old for drowning a guinea pig in the toilet. Murray was discharged from the Army for sexual harassment of female officers. Martha has had a diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder since she was 19 years of age, and several suicide attempts.

Peter, Murray and Martha were all passengers on the Orient Express. Who did it?

No Collusion – Just Tweets

Definition: Collusion:  a secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy in order to deceive others.

“Alright already”. I will accept that there has not been any collusion by any person(s) in the administration, election committee, nuclear family, extended family and assorted friends.

Collusion may be a serious problem for America, but more troublesome is that Donald Trump can tweet. Millions of people tweet, but the original tweeters were birds.

As the song goes, “when my sugar walks down the street, all the little birdies go tweet, tweet, tweet.”  Birdies do their ‘tweeting’ during the daylight hours. “And in the evening when the sun goes down” Donald ‘tweets’ “when no else around” as in the “the wee small hours of the mornin” (Sinatra song).

Donald is likely an insomniac. We will all rest easier, If he were able to enjoy a full nights’ sleep. Donald will not tweet during the daylight hours. Why, you ask? Because Donald Trump is not a bird, but alas, some instincts cross species.

Can you imagine that during his waking hours, and while in attendance at a cabinet meeting, Donald excuses himself and rises to leave.
“Say Mr. President, where are going?”
“Oh, no where special. Just getting some fresh air.”
“But, sir we must decide on the latest strategy for the North Korea missile launch.”
“I will be right back.”
“But sir, can’t you just stay. It won’t take long.”
“ I will be right back- right back.”

The President leaves. After several minutes, the Secretary of State turns to look out the window, and he is startled to see, the President perched on a lower limb of a Sycamore tree. He is holding his cell phone, and you guessed it…..

The End
 

Las Vegas Killer Motive

1.Hated country and western music, singers, and patrons of such music.

  1. Hated any people attending events in Las Vegas.
    3. Angry at money losses at Vegas casinos.
    4. Suffered undiagnosed brain tumor.
    5. Bought weapons to kill, and needed to try them out.
    6. Wanted the fame that such a massacre would provide.
    7. We may never know. Not ever!!!!!

My readers: What do you think???

 

Brain Food

The latest pill that can improve brain function is PREVAGEN. The pill is said to improve memory. The remarkable brain enhancer comes from proteins in Jellyfish. The cost of a month’s supply from the manufacturer is $66.00. Jellyfish? I was fortunate to be accepted into academically gifted school programs during elementary school. The class was full of young genius. Though I was not among the best, nor the brightest, I am convinced that my academic skill was due to consuming  another fish: Gefilte Fish encased in Jelly. I am attempting to contact old classmates (hopefully alive) to learn if they too were brain nourished on Gefilte Fish encased in Jelly.

Not a Photo-OP

We are here at the San Juan airport, and await the landing of Air Force One with the President, and the first lady, Melanie. My first reporting assignment, and I can’t tell you how excited I am. This is the first visit of the President to our island. Porto Rico is devastated, and we are looking forward to the President’s visit. Our hope that his stay is not just a photo opportunity, and just another opportunity to gain personal favor with his base. The advance notice suggested that we would all be surprised by the President’s visit.

The plane is just landing. I am trying to get close to the tarmac, but the Black Water security personnel are refusing to allow us to move any closer.  I must tell you, those men look serious, and somewhat mean. I just heard one of them speak to a colleague, and they spoke in German. Another guard was holding a AK 14, and softly singing in Hebrew. Interesting international group of personnel.

The doors of the plane have just opened. Several assistants have exited, and now the President is standing in the doorway, and climbing down the stairs. It is hard to see him clearly, since several aides and guards are standing in my sight line. It appears that the President is wearing what looks like a hard hat. Yes, it is a hard hat. His typical baseball cap seems to be underneath the hard hat.

I am about 30 feet from the President, and I now can clearly see him. He appears to be wearing combat fatigues, and black boots. Around his waist is what looks to be the typical carpenters belt – full of tools. I can see a claw hammer, several chisels and a large tape measure hanging on the right side. He just turned around to answer a MSNBC reporter, and he is carrying a back pack. I can see at the top of the pack what looks like a reciprocal saw, or at least some type of saw. The sight of the President is remarkable. He looks like a walking Tractor Supply. Draped over his right shoulder is a coil of heavy duty rope, with large hooks on each end.  Just beside the rope is a holster with a hatchet. In his left hand he is holding a crow bar that looks to be at least 4 foot long.

I just noticed that the first lady, Melanie Trump has exited the plane and she is also wearing a hard hat. It seems to have a decal of the football Patriots on the side. Holy cow, she too is dressed in a workman suit, but in black with gold trim. She is carrying… I can’t believe it, but I was just told that she is carrying the Jaws of Death machine. The machine that helps cut through steel, or concrete. It is clearly heavy, and a guard with a very heavy Italian accent offered to help her with the equipment, but she has refused.

The President and the First Lady are entering an armored personnel carrier. They have just speeded away. No questions have been asked of the President. Clearly, this was not the typical photo op. It appears that the President is here to do something. What, who knows, but hopefully he and his wife will not hurt themselves.

Tom Golden, writers cramp, September 2017.

Uncharted Waters

Today, February 9, 2017, Senator Mark Warner of the great state of Virginia stated that, “we are in uncharted waters.” Other political leaders and commentators have said phrases of a similar sort, e.g. “This is a new day,” and “Little seems the same.” and most painful, “It is difficult to know what to do – so many things are changing daily,”

Fellow Americans, the only person in the entire country that is “uncharted” is the President of the United States. The only citizen who can change opinion, desires, attitudes on a “daily”, or “hourly” basis is Donald Trump – Our pathologically disturbed President.

Perhaps, Senator Warner, and his colleagues feel that they are in “uncharted waters.” I feel sorry for them. It must be difficult for them to remember right from wrong, or truth versus lies. Have Senator Warner and ‘friends’ (those in Congress always refer to one another as ‘friend’) lost their moral compass and as such cannot distinguish between ill-will and respect. Have they totally suppressed or deny the teachings of their parents, teachers, church leaders? That Donald Trump resembles a buoy bobbing in the sea is not my fate. That Donald Trump is troubled by demons that deny him guidance and safety, is not my state of mind, nor body. I fear not uncharted waters, not because of some exquisite seamanship, but because of my humanity.

WPRD Nightly Quiz Show

President Trump: Puerto Rico is an island. A big island surrounded by water, big water.
Announcer: Correct. Mr. President. Now for the next question. What is the difference between Long Island and Ellis Island?
President Trump: Well that’s another island question. I like island questions. I really like Long Beach Island. My friend, Chris Christy has a home on LBI. That’s Long Beach Island if you like – I really like it a lot, it’s just great. Big, huge, and right on the water. Real salty ocean water. I like water in a lake. Do you?
Announcer: Mr. President, about the difference between Long Island and Ellis Island?
President Trump: Okay, you are stuck on island stuff. That’s o.k. Ellis Island is for refugees, lotsa of refugees from all over the world. Not from Iraq, or Syria, or Sri Lanka. Say did you ever visit Sri Lanka?
Announcer: Mr. President. No, I have never been to Sri Lanka. Now for Long Island.
President Trump: What about Long Island? It’s nice – real nice. Just near Jones Beach, and Fire Island.
Announcer: Forget that question. Just one more question that was submitted by a Mr. Omar Quor.
President Trump: What did you say?
Announcer: Mr. Omar Quor sent in a question for you.
President Trump: What is the question?
Announcer: Mr. Quor asks if you will release your tax return.
President: Who is this Omar person?
Announcer: He is a listener to our show.
President: Is this show on line? Is this being broadcast?
Announcer: Of course, Mr. President. Didn’t your daughter tell you that we would be broadcasting a quiz with the President.
President: Who?
Announcer: Your daughter, Ivanka said that you would be pleased to be on the show.
President: Well I’ll tell you something I love my daughter, Kelley Ann and even Rachel Maddow.
Announcer: Yes?
President: That’s it. I love a lot of people. Even not in my family. I even love you.
Announcer: Thank you – thank you Mr. President.
President: Say, you can call me Donald, or you can call me anytime. Get it? Call me anytime!

Tom golden, writer’s cramp, September 2017

I Represent…

Recently I heard a congressman state the following: “Get this straight. I was elected by my constituents. I was chosen by those citizens to represent their concerns, and that is my duty under the constitution. So when you ask me how did I feel about the Alabama election of Mr. Brown to the United States Senate I stated that he is responsible to his constituents, as am I. That Mr. Brown has stated that September 11 deaths were due to God punishing us for the issue of homosexuality, that is for his voter’s concern. I have my voters to consider.”

What about national issues. is the President the only person in government who is answerable to all of us? Why isn’t any representative elected responsible to all of us, regardless of district, and party?

There is a world of difference between a Politician and a Statesman. The Politician represents their residents. The Statesman represents all. Pitifully, the Congress of the United States is populated by Politicians. There are no Statesman.

Thomas Golden, Ph.D.
30 Riveredge Road
Tenafly, New Jersey 07670
201-567-1913

The Weather Superman and Woman

The recent storms of Harvey and Irma have produced broadcasters the likes of which we have not known since World War II. No, now our front-line reporters are the brave men and women of the weather reporting media, state and federal weather bureaus.

One hundred and fifty-five miles per hour winds. Drenching rains, carrying millions of grains of beach sand. Sand that sting the faces of the weather persons. “I feel as though I was getting a skin abrasion treatment. Oh, that hurts.” Another reported standing on a pier, just alongside the Miami River, slipped on a cement block, and fortunately did not hit the water. Other reporters braving unpredictable ‘catastrophic’ wind gusts, and yet standing just three feet from the safety of a concrete parking garage, and the warmth of a massive GM SUV.

They report on the rain, and Palm trees swaying. The program directors request more shots of the rain, and flooded streets. The producers and television directors ignore the fact that we can see the rain, and the Palm trees bending. We can hear the howling wind. We see the waves, white caps and the boats floundering in their moorings, or out to sea. The camera tells us all we need to know, without the added thrill, and death defying heroism of the weather reporters. How much danger do the reporters need to suffer to keep the television ratings on the rise? What kind of harm do we have to see, before the ‘entertainment’ portion of the weather report is satisfied?

Tom Golden, Writer’s Cramp, 2017

Hurray for Bipartisanship

On Wednesday, September 27, the Congress of the United States displayed a fervent, unanimous welcome to Representative Scalise of Louisiana. Congressman Scalise has recovered from a near death shooting, and entered the hallowed halls to 20 minutes of a standing ovation from both sides of the aisle – the no man’s land of our government.

Several weeks prior, Senator John McCain returned to the Senate after undergoing surgery and radiation treatment for a stage 4, brain cancer. As the Senator entered the capital building, the entire congress regardless of party affiliation applauded and cheered the Senators return.

It is clear that when one of their brethren is ill, the members of Congress can join hands in sincere brotherhood. Many of them teared on each occasion. It appears that the illness must have a terminal quality. No one gets cheers for the flu, or gout. The enthusiasm is reserved for that congressman who almost die, or at least face imminent death. Under those dire circumstances, bipartisanship reigns supreme.

When millions of civilians are faced with severe illness, terminal disease or possible medical intervention, health care rests in the congressional no man’s land. The proverbial aisle is inviolate.

Tom Golden, Ph.D,
Writer’s Cramp, 2017