The following conversation between the President, Vice President and the Secretary of Defense was revealed by appeal to the Freedom of Information Act.
President: I appreciate you coming in on Sunday. I know that you both had plans, so thanks.
Vice President: Mr. President, it’s no problem.
Sec. of Defense: Right.
Vice President: Mr. President, why are we here?
Sec. of Defense: Say, do we have any coffee?
President: Sure. Over by the bar. There’s instant, and some Coffee Mate.
Sec. of Defense: Right.
Vice President: So, what’s up?
President: I need your input on our Interrogation procedures. I’m supposed to decide on what to do, but it’s a procedure that I’m not familiar with.
Vice President: No problem. Say Rumsfeld, why don’t you give a brief run-down on our Interrogation procedures.
Sec. of Defense: Sure., but I think we should be careful what we say.
Vice President: Why? It’s just us.
President: The VP is right. What we say here stays here.
Sec. of Defense: Yeh, I know that, but you never know who is bugging this room.
President: What the hell are you talking about? This is my office. I know if bugging is happening or not.
Sec. of Defense: Sir, you, yourself have ordered that all conversations in this office be recorded.
President: I know that. I’m the decider. I have the right to erase any conversations that I want to.
Sec. of Defense: I know Sir. But before you get to erase, the content may be snuck out. It’s a possibility. I just want to be careful, that’s all.
Vice President: Mr. President, maybe he’s right.
President: Okay. Let’s get going.
Sec. of Defense: Well when we counsel with a terrorist, I mean client, we have many interview techniques. I’ll start with the easiest.
President: Great. Sounds real interesting.
Sec. of Defense: Well, we start by getting some basic information.
Vice President: Like what?
Sec. of Defense: Name, address, race, religion, education. Date and place of birth. Things like that.
President: Sounds good. Clients can’t mind that too much.
Sec. of Defense: Sometimes it’s a problem.
Vice President: Why?
Sec. of Defense: Many clients don’t speak English.
Vice President: But we have translators, don’t we?
Sec. of Defense: Well some, but not as many as we need.
President: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Sec. of Defense: Well we used to have a lot more translators, but many of them were American, but also Arab-American, and American Moslems..
Sec. of Defense: Trust, sir. It’s a matter of trust.
President: Oh. Gotcha.
Vice President: Weren’t any trustworthy?
Sec. of Defense: Maybe, but then some were also Gay.
Vice President: Cut it out. Who cares, as long as they could translate.
Sec. of Defense: But sir, they were outspoken Gays. I had no choice but to dismiss them from the service. That’s the rule. You know, don’t ask, don’t show, don’t tell, and don’t touch. (giggle).
President: Whatever! Can you proceed anyway?
Sec. of Defense: We do out best Sir.
Vice President: What do you do?
Sec. of Defense: We draw pictures and sometimes the clients act as translators for other clients.
President: Sounds creative – real interesting.
Vice President: Can you trust one client with another?
Sec. of Defense: It’s a chance we have to take. Besides, who cares about name, address, religion or any of that stuff. That first interview is just to act friendly. Build a relationship. The facts are really unimportant.
President: I can see that. You’re right. Who cares how old they are. They’ll be dead soon (giggle).
Vice President: Sir, please be careful.
President: So what happens next?
Sec. of Defense: Then we take them to the Therapy room.
Vice President: What do you mean Therapy room? What the hell is that?
President: Relax, Dick.
Sec. of Defense: Yeh, relax. Therapy, as in personality change.
Vice President: Sounds great, but any Water Boarding?
Sec. of Defense: You mean dunking, don’t you?
Vice President: No, I mean Water Boarding!
Sec. of Defense: Listen, Dick, we do not torture.
President: That’s right!
Vice President: Than what the hell is Dunking?
Sec. of Defense: Like Dunking at Halloween. You know for apples.
Vice President: Are you kidding. Dunking for apples?
Sec. of Defense: And sometimes when the client bites into an apple, there is a surprise.
President: Surprise. I like that. What surprise?
Sec. of Defense: Well it’s like a Gillette surprise.
Vice President: Do all apples have the Gillette surprise?
Sec. of Defense: You got it.
President: What do the clients do? – Do they say anything?
Sec. of Defense: Some say Ouch!
President: Do they give any information?
Sec. of Defense: Some do, and others just keep eating the apple.
Vice President: And then what?
Sec. of Defense: Well what do you think happens? Come on Dick. Did you ever try and eat a Gillette?
Vice President: Sorry, but you then don’t have any information.
Sec. of Defense: Right, but we’ve got dozens of other clients, and some confess immediately. Intensive therapy is only a last resort. Some clients are so soft-hearted and foolish that they will admit everything, true or false. Others handle Therapy easily. Some clients are so stubborn, that all Intensive Therapy techniques fail.
President: What do you do then?
Sec. of Defense: Well, since all the clients are guilty, or they wouldn’t be with us, we just do the best we can.
Vice President: What do you mean?
Sec. of Defense: I’m glad you asked. This is the most interesting part of the Therapy system. You see, I have hired several T.V. writers from shows like CSI, and Law and Order. When needed they can piece together a solid story for a client. Then all we need is a signature. An X will do.
President: But what about the needed intelligence? We need the information.
Sec. of Defense: Look, Mr. President, relax. We are winning on the ground, right.
Vice President: And we have had no repeat of 911, right?
Sec. of Defense: So considering that we hardly speak their language, and we don’t torture I think that we are doing pretty damn good without any intelligence.
President: You may be right. Who the hell needs intelligence. Look fellows I’ve got to fix some fencing at the ranch. Keep up the good work.