Tag: Language

An Aisle, is an Aisle, is an Aisle

Loving couples walk down the aisle, and exchange vows. The invited guests cheer and wish the couple the good luck.

I purchased a ticket to the New York Giant football game against the Cleveland Browns. As I approached the bleacher section Number 14, an attendant walked me down the aisle to seat 23B. I was seated in the midst of rabid Giant fans. The game was great, but my aisle mates made it a unique experience.

Aisle 6, contained the mustard that I needed for the salad dressing. But Aisle 6 was blocked due to a leak in the ceiling. There was a store clerk in the aisle replacing buckets. I asked her to get me a jar of Roland’s Extra Forte mustard. She brought the jar to me and I went to the check-out.

The Aisle seemed rather normal. Perhaps six or eight feet in width. Carpeted, and it ran the length of the chamber to the entrance doors. To the left and right of the aisle were leather upholstered seats. Perhaps several hundred seats. At first glance, one would think that the seats on the right or left of the aisle were available to any person. Not So! Absent any reserved notice, or do not trespass, the aisle represented hallowed ground. Not ground memorializing heroic acts of citizens. Not ground that symbolized good will, respect and fraternity. The aisle was inviolate. All persons entering the chamber, and walking down the aisle knew which side of the aisle was theirs, and not the other side.

Tom Golden, writers cramp, 2018

SMALL TALK – I LOVE IT

Small talk is seen as trivial, meaningless, and superficial. “I can’t stand small talk!” “Oh, all that small talk is driving me crazy!” Why do we engage in small talk? Because we are small people? No. Big people engage in small talk. Perhaps it is because we have small minds. I don’t believe so, since many small minds are known to talk BIG. The main reason for small talk must be the mouth size. Small talk is probably caused by a small mouth. BIG mouths are known to talk BIG. In fact, BIG talk is the hallmark of a BIG mouth, or is that a loud mouth? Have you ever heard loud mouths talk small talk? It might not be possible. Since small talk is bad, then BIG talk must be good. Remember the joyful hours we spend listening to BIG talk. BIG talk, out of BIG mouths, with small minds. Small talk is not at all trivial. Small talks allows us the time to become acquainted; small talk allows us to gracefully engage a stranger, or to painlessly tolerate the friend. Copyright, Thomas Golden, Writers Cramp, 1980

Words Are Not So Easy

Grandson: Papa, I like democracy. Do you like democracy?
Grandpa: Of course I do.
Grandson: Is that like Democratic.
Grandpa: Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that Democratic was bad. He said Republican was good.
Grandpa: Well, son, democracy is really good. Democratic is not exactly the same.
Grandson:  But they sound almost the same. Grandpa, is it good to be right?
Grandpa:  Yes. I guess so. Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that the left is really very good, and the right is not.
Grandpa: Well words are not so easy.
Grandson: I know that I’m going to be democratic, and also I want to be right.
Grandpa: Sounds good son – just fine.
Grandson: I love you Grandpa.
Grandpa: I love you too

 

No Collusion – Just Tweets

Definition: Collusion:  a secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy in order to deceive others.

“Alright already”. I will accept that there has not been any collusion by any person(s) in the administration, election committee, nuclear family, extended family and assorted friends.

Collusion may be a serious problem for America, but more troublesome is that Donald Trump can tweet. Millions of people tweet, but the original tweeters were birds.

As the song goes, “when my sugar walks down the street, all the little birdies go tweet, tweet, tweet.”  Birdies do their ‘tweeting’ during the daylight hours. “And in the evening when the sun goes down” Donald ‘tweets’ “when no else around” as in the “the wee small hours of the mornin” (Sinatra song).

Donald is likely an insomniac. We will all rest easier, If he were able to enjoy a full nights’ sleep. Donald will not tweet during the daylight hours. Why, you ask? Because Donald Trump is not a bird, but alas, some instincts cross species.

Can you imagine that during his waking hours, and while in attendance at a cabinet meeting, Donald excuses himself and rises to leave.
“Say Mr. President, where are going?”
“Oh, no where special. Just getting some fresh air.”
“But, sir we must decide on the latest strategy for the North Korea missile launch.”
“I will be right back.”
“But sir, can’t you just stay. It won’t take long.”
“ I will be right back- right back.”

The President leaves. After several minutes, the Secretary of State turns to look out the window, and he is startled to see, the President perched on a lower limb of a Sycamore tree. He is holding his cell phone, and you guessed it…..

The End
 

The Gettysburg Address, Circa 2017

Ladies and Gentleman it is my honor to introduce the President of the United States, President Lincoln…

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Announcer:Just a brief break:

“Folks, it can happen to all of us as we age. Elderly dementia patients taking Albuminide have an increased risk of death or stroke. Please call your doctor if you believe that you are having a stroke that is not good. Sometimes your sugar levels will unintentionally rise with Albuminide, and coma can result. Enjoy success, and health with Albuminide.”

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle field of that war.

 Announcer:  We will be right back.

“ Does it seem that life insurance is more complicated than finding a needle in a haystack. Well with LifeExtend Insurance, there is no need to find a haystack. LifeExtend Insurance has the needle for you. Just call: 677-776-8777 for you 60 day no obligation coverage.”

We come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate we cannot consecrate we cannot hallow, this ground The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

Announcer: return in a minute.

“ Pets are not just another animal. Remember healthy pets are long lasting friends. “ Delicate Grub” is all natural, like spring water, and pure air.” Delicate Grub” answers the most complete nutritional needs of any pet, even your python. Remember “Delicate Grub” is real food, and not only for your pet.”

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here; while it can never forget what they did here. It is rather for us, the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us that, from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here, gave the last full measure of devotion.

Announcer: Mr. President, we will return in a moment.

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That we here highly resolve these dead shall not have died in vain; that the nation, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people. by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

“You’ll Know – You’ll See”

President Trump is inclined to hint at his future actions. Trump will tell us that he has very important plans, and joyfully offers little clarity, other than the phrase: “the calm before the storm.” When asked what he means by that phrase, he will say, “you will know.” That lack of clarity, yet foreboding causes some minimal concern in Kingston New York, Bangor, Maine and Des Moines, Iowa. But the concern is much more provocative in….

North Korea: “Considering that the President of the United States has announced that a storm is coming, we have put our armed forces on 24-hour alert.”

Paris, France: “The Prime Minister, has ordered that all French ships near Iranian waters are to immediately return to the nearest French Ports.”

Ottawa, Canada: The Defense Minister declared: “We have learned that the President of the United States has declared that he will be making a decision that sounds rather ominous. In that light, we will be closing the Peace Bridge at 1400 hours on Sunday to all traffic entering from the United States.”

Teheran, Iran: “We have every reason to believe that the President of the United States intends to cancel the Iranian Treaty. As such we will immediately initiate the rehabilitation of all equipment that is needed for our nuclear production.”

Caracas, Venezuela: “Citizens of Venezuela, we have long feared that the United States is prepared to invade our territorial waters. President Trump has stated that a “storm” is coming. In the light of his threatening comments about our nation, we are ordering our Navy to intercept any naval vessel of the United States that enters our waters.”

Secretary General of the United Nations: “I have informed the members of the Security Council that we will meet tomorrows morning to discuss the implications of President’s Trumps announcement that portends some harmful international event is likely to occur. We have absolutely no idea as to the meaning of “calm before the storm”, but I have no other choice but to require an immediate gathering.”

Words Are Not So Easy

Grandson: Papa, I like democracy. Do you like democracy?
Grandpa: Of course I do.
Grandson: Is that like Democratic.
Grandpa: Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that Democratic was bad. He said that Republican was good.
Grandpa: Well, son, democracy is really good. Democratic is not exactly the same.
Grandson:  But they sound almost the same. Grandpa, is it good to be right?
Grandpa:  Yes. I guess so. Why do you ask?
Grandson: My friend told me that the left is really very good, and the right is not.
Grandpa: Well words are not so easy.
Grandson: I know that I’m going to be democratic, and I want to be right.
Grandpa: Sounds good son – just fine.
Grandson: I love you Grandpa.
Grandpa: I love you too.

Brain Food

The latest pill that can improve brain function is PREVAGEN. The pill is said to improve memory. The remarkable brain enhancer comes from proteins in Jellyfish. The cost of a month’s supply from the manufacturer is $66.00. Jellyfish? I was fortunate to be accepted into academically gifted school programs during elementary school. The class was full of young genius. Though I was not among the best, nor the brightest, I am convinced that my academic skill was due to consuming  another fish: Gefilte Fish encased in Jelly. I am attempting to contact old classmates (hopefully alive) to learn if they too were brain nourished on Gefilte Fish encased in Jelly.

The BASE

The President has his Base. I also have a Base. In fact, I have two Bases’. One Base is Chicken, and the other is a Beef Base.  Each Base is totally reliable, and constant in performance. The ingredients in each Base are almost identical, except for the chicken content in one Base, and beef content in the other.

All politicians have a Base. The President’s Base is notably reliable, and remarkably constant in the results. The President can comfortably use his Base and count on the success of the basic ingredients. The basic ingredients of bigoty, fear, economic need, xenophobia, intolerance, hysteria, idolatry, and ignorance. To that Base, The President mixes lies, arrogance, impulsiveness, incoherence, adolescent sexuality, and fragility. The President’s Base is quite powerful, and can be used in varied situations, and to satisfy many tastes.  Hail to the Chief, I mean Chef as we eat our way to nauseum.

Tom Golden, Ph.D. writers cramp,2017

The LIE Word

Senator Corker from Tennessee stated that in his home, his family never used the LIE word. Currently, the Senator is in a newsworthy conflict with President Trump. Senator Corker has said that the President, “tells untruths.” “Untruths” may be difficult to say without an outburst of laughter, but it eliminates screaming, “liar, liar, liar!” The President said a “untruth.” Not only an “untruth”, but a “provable untruth”. Senator Corker may be unleashing a needed reform in our culture. The rebirth of manners and specifically mannered control over our communication.

What words were, forbidden, or at least avoided in your home. Let’s start with the “H” word, or at perhaps the “S” word. In some homes the list might include the “F” word,

Now as to our careful avoidance of forbidden words. I was told not to say the “H” word as in HATE, like, “I hate you.” I would instead say, “I hope you die” (but under my breath), followed by a quick “Oh, God, please don’t let my Mother die” (also under my breath). I believe that children express much of their feelings under their breath.

The “S” word as in STUPID -What is so wrong in calling your sister stupid? Many times, my sister, and my brother were stupid. Why punish me, when they were so stupid? I avoided stupid, by simple saying: “Wrong!” or “You’re such a jerk.”

And now for the biggy: “FUCK” as in “Fuck you!” Never, no never say that in one’s home. If by chance it slipped, then comes the soap mouth washing. The notion that cleansing a mouth with soap could suppress such intense feelings was at best a temporary suppression. You might say “Fuck You”, but to the air. That is with no eye contact to anyone. You might hear, “What did you say?” You then say “Nothing – nothing.” That usually works.

When and if children use forbidden words, the origins are usually attributed to the child’s playmates, or classmates. “Frank, I don’t want you to talk like your friend Michael. I have told you many times that Michael’s parents are hardly ever home, and he has sitters teach a lot of things that are not right. I hope that you understand. Do you?” Frank nods approval, and immediately returns to Mario on his computer.

 

Tom Golden, writer’s cramp, 2017

 

Uncharted Waters

Today, February 9, 2017, Senator Mark Warner of the great state of Virginia stated that, “we are in uncharted waters.” Other political leaders and commentators have said phrases of a similar sort, e.g. “This is a new day,” and “Little seems the same.” and most painful, “It is difficult to know what to do – so many things are changing daily,”

Fellow Americans, the only person in the entire country that is “uncharted” is the President of the United States. The only citizen who can change opinion, desires, attitudes on a “daily”, or “hourly” basis is Donald Trump – Our pathologically disturbed President.

Perhaps, Senator Warner, and his colleagues feel that they are in “uncharted waters.” I feel sorry for them. It must be difficult for them to remember right from wrong, or truth versus lies. Have Senator Warner and ‘friends’ (those in Congress always refer to one another as ‘friend’) lost their moral compass and as such cannot distinguish between ill-will and respect. Have they totally suppressed or deny the teachings of their parents, teachers, church leaders? That Donald Trump resembles a buoy bobbing in the sea is not my fate. That Donald Trump is troubled by demons that deny him guidance and safety, is not my state of mind, nor body. I fear not uncharted waters, not because of some exquisite seamanship, but because of my humanity.

A Name…

A NAME is important. A NAME is more than a label. A NAME tells us something about the person. Take buildings for an example. There are no buildings with a NAME such as: I, or ME, or US. Nor are there clothing labels that declare: IT, or MINE, or WE.  There are many structures that do carry a label, a real NAME.

For some persons, their NAME is important. To have a NAME recognized is food for their ego. Others have never expressed a desire to have public recognition of their NAME. In fact, Ulysses Grant never asked for a memorial to his NAME, nor did George Washington desire to have a city, or monument bear his NAME. Martin Luther King, never asked for an avenue named after him, nor did Francis Albert Sinatra ask for a “Way” in Hoboken, New Jersey.

And now for persons who have a fervent, spinal need for their NAME to be recognized by every inhabitant of the world. A person who needs his NAME on apartment and office building(s), Casinos, and golf courses. Such a person is our President Donald Trump. To have his NAME plastered for all to see, both in the United States and in foreign lands is a basic need, as is the need for food and water.

President Trump clearly enjoys the sight of his NAME in public places. BUT, there is one labelling of which he is most desirous. Donald Trump needs – a need beyond measure, to have his NAME on a health bill.

A modest proposal. The Congress, both parties, must make the needed corrections in Obama Care, and then NAME the bill as: TRUMP CARE. TRUMP CARE logos must be placed in every medical facility, pharmacy. Every auto sold, should carry a bumper sticker announcing TRUMP CARE. Only then will the Donald achieve some sense of comfort. Only then will Donald be able to sleep thru the night, and not resort to tweets.

The End

Thomas Golden, Writer’s Cramp, September ,2017.

The Asterisk **

 

 

While riding down the New Jersey Turnpike, I noticed on the right-hand side a huge billboard picturing a Buick, Le Sabre. The sale price was up at the right – $35,999.99 followed by a large asterisk, to the right and above the nine.

We know what to do when we see an asterisk. When we see an asterisk we usually scan the page and see what the asterisk refers to. Try and scan a billboard on the New Jersey Turnpike while driving at 65 miles per hour. Thirty-Five Thousand, Nine Hundred Ninety -Nine dollars and Ninety-Nine cents, asterisk and then you start scanning. Before you know it, you’re smashing through the side rails, guard rails, signs, billboard, power plant, while riding down the New Jersey Turnpike.

By the way, if you bother to stop and actually scan the billboard, you will that the asterisk means that the $35,999.99 means FPOE, COD, and FET. All that secret coding means that General Motors is going to own your life for several years.

Tom Golden, PhD. Copyright, 1976.

Human Sexuality

 

Affection – a little goes a long way.

Adolescent sexual behavior – they never knew what hit them.

Age and potency – the best soup in the old pot.

Alcohol affects – from excitement to sleep.

Androgens – not from outer space.

Anxiety – it can be deadly.

Aphrodisiacs – always the short one.

Arousal – you gotta get up.

Birth – the beginning.

Bisexuality – unusual, but true.

Breast – is that singular or plural?

Castration – anxiety or not, it hurts.

Censorship – G, PG, R, X, or XX, or XXX, or Fourex.

Circumcision – you can’t tell a book by its cover.

Clitoris – the equalizer.

Coitus – intercourse by any other name.

Contraception – but it’s not the same.

Depression – Pre. – Post and during.

Dildos – the age of technology.

Dreams – the best sex of all.

Drugs – uppers and downers.

Ejaculation – pre-mature – God forbid!

Erections – but not by Gilbert.

Erogenous zones – no standing/no parking.

Estrogens – both girls and boys.

Exhibitions – Coney Island on a Sunday afternoon.

Extramarital sex – it’s like extra cheese on a pizza.

Fantasy – no, no you can’t take that away from me.

Frigidity – it’s all your fault.

Fetishism – keep it private or you’re in trouble.

Foreplay – enough already.

Genitals – they are good, but they are not everything.

Gonorrhea – a birth control.

Homosexuality – live and let live.

Impotence – it shouldn’t happen to a dog.

Infantile sexuality – it doesn’t cause retardation.

Kissing – never underestimate its power.

Libido – if you run short, can you buy it?

Love – a grave metal disease (PLATO).

Marriage – to love, cherish and to obey.

Masturbation – a blessing or a curse.

Menopause – facts and fictions.

Morality – does it have any place in sex?

Nocturnal emissions – who does the laundry?

Obesity – searching for a definition.

Oedipal conflict – a Freudian nightmare.

Orgasm – Nirvana or bust.

Ovaries – one of the parts.

Penis – what’s wrong with the word pecker?

Petting – man’s best friend.

Polygamy – Salt Lake City, here I come!

Pornography – the pen is mightier than the sword.

Prostitution – red light – green light – who cares?

Puberty – the beginning of the end.

Pubic hair – sign of things to come.

Religion and sex – Sodom and Rasputin.

Self-esteem – please be kind.

Sex education – at home, in school, or in the street.

My Gut Feelings

 

Dear Mr. Robin,

The following comments are in response to your opinion in the February 3rd edition of the Suburbanite.

I have gut feelings.

Somewhere near my spleen.

Like most gut feelings

They don’t equal what I mean.

I have gut feelings

That leave me in despair

For in my job as Editor

I have opinions I must air.

I’m not qualified to speak

Of barracks, wars and gays.

But I try my best to speak

If in rather schizo ways.

I’m trying to ignore my guts

But I can’t stay in my head.

I fear I may be going nuts

Losing readers is what I dread.

If gays fought with Washington

And rights are free to all,

Why then are my intestines

So knotted in a ball?

Oh to be born in ‘60

And not in ‘59

My guts would be less twisty,

My mental life sublime.